Replace "Yes, But" with "Yes, And" leadership language

Using the word “but” often communicates something you didn’t mean, at least not consciously. Avoid using the word “but” unless you intend to contradict the preceding statement.

For example: You’re helping your child with an art project for school and you say, “You’re so creative, dear, but if you just added this”… Your child hears, “I’m not creative. I need help.” Or with an employee you say, “You’re doing a great job, but you know that report you gave me? It has a couple of mistakes. Would you please fix them?” Your employee just heard, “I am not doing a good job. I messed up the report.” This is the meta-message absorbed by the listener.

Most of the time using the word “but” is a way of getting our real point across. How many times have you been listening to someone go on and on about something when you disagree with them? You start planning your rebuttal internally, waiting for them to take a breath so that you can interject your opinion. What do you say? “Yes, but”… and off you go. The other person hears this: “I wasn’t really listening to you.” And they are correct because you were not really listening. You were planning your rebuttal. That’s what “Yes, but” communicated to them.

Take an extra second and reframe the same statement, shaping a “constructive” meta-message:

Listen to the difference when we substitute the word “and” for the word “but” in the same sentences from above. “You’re so creative, dear, and if you just added this”… Your child just heard, “I am creative. Here’s a way to be even more so.” Or with the employee you say, “You’re doing a great job, and you know that report on my desk? It has a few errors. Could you handle those please?” Your employee just heard, “I am doing a good job and here’s a way I can do an even better one.” Remember, these are meta-messages and often the listener will not consciously compute the difference. They will feel it, though. Instead of negating, you will nurture.

Sometimes the use of “but” is appropriate and effective. Perhaps you awaken one morning intending to go for a run. It’s raining. You might say, “It’s raining but I’m going running.” In this case you could also say “It’s raining and I’m going running”. If in doubt choose the word “and.”

With practice it will soon become a new pattern in your life and you will feel the difference. So will the people you live and work with, they just won’t know why they feel it around you. After two weeks, if not sooner, someone in your life will comment on a noticeable change in you. They may not be able to put their finger on it; they’ll probably say something like “You seem more relaxed” or “You’re easier to be around.”

Try it. It works. Get someone to help. I recommend a partnership. It’s so much easier to hear other people’s errors, don’t you know…

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Word of the Month

“APPROVAL” Everyone wants to feel approved of. It meets the basic universal need to feel appreciated, acknowledged, valuable and worthy. Everyone wants to feel “good enough.”

Unfortunately, as we grew up we often absorbed messages from well-meaning family members, friends and teachers that sometimes contradicted this fundamental requirement to feel accepted. Many people were raised to believe that their worth was conditional somehow, dependent on their performance. (“I will be loved only if I get good grades, or if I do what I’m told regardless of my own feelings, or if I please others.”)

Now, as an adult, you’re left conflicted. Where’s the balance between being true to your self and being responsible to others? Where’s the middle ground between giving and taking, between talking and listening, between doing and being? When you don’t know your own answers to those kinds of questions you’ll need other people to steer your ship and be dependent upon them to stick around to help you navigate rough waters.

When we don’t believe we’re good enough to be loved as we are, we’ll look for ways to please others and depend on their responses for our sense of well-being. This breeds resentment – in them and in you. When you don’t approve of yourself, you need others to approve of you. When you don’t experience approval inside yourself, you’ll look for ways to satisfy your yearning for it outside yourself. Like sucking up to your boss or parent (or any perceived authority figure) and sacrificing your own self-esteem along the way.

There is a difference between wanting somebody’s approval and needing it. All humans want approval. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s when wanting it – and then not getting it – causes us to feel diminished that there is a problem. It’s best to need your own approval first.