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Leadership Talk
April 2006
“Fix” is a harsh sounding word
(many angry words have a hard “k” sound to them)
and implies something is broken. Usually it’s someone’s
“fault.” Notice the number of times that word
seeps into your mind and leaks from your mouth. You probably
hear it a lot at home (“the window needs fixing…”)
and as much at the office though it sounds less like nagging
and more like something really important, really urgent, requires
your attention, now! (“We’ve got to fix
this.”) Using the word “fix” sends a meta-message
of crisis. It inflates a sense of importance, in
a destructive way.
Take an extra second and reframe the same statement, shaping
a constructive meta-message:
- Replace
with: “Handle” “Address”
or “Repair”
“Handle” or “address”
implies something requires your attention, but it’s
not about fault and it’s not about blame
and it’s not about “fixing” a mistake.
It’s about correcting an error. No big deal.
Using the word “fix” is another way we unconsciously
whip ourselves across an arbitrary finish line (think “dead-line”)
and it reeks of fear. Instead of saying, “Can you fix
this?” ask “Will you handle (address or take care
of) this please?” The receiver’s willingness will
improve noticeably.
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Word
of the Month
“COMPLAINING”
We complain in order to connect with other people
or to avoid accountability for our results. It’s the
number one human strategy for deflecting feelings of disappointment.
When you complain, you’re comparing
your current situation with some fantasy of how it ought to
be. Comparing is only effective to the degree that you compare
yourself as you are today with the person you were
yesterday. Comparing yourself to others is counterproductive.
The scale will either tip in your direction, which begins
a slide into arrogance, or it will tip the other way, accelerating
the complaints you now have based on the original comparisons
you made in the face of your perceived shortcomings.
Sometimes we use complaining as a way to
connect with other people. Sometimes it works. People who
have the same complaints will usually agree with you and you’ll
get to feel deliciously right. You’ll get to feel included,
connected and won’t have to be proactive to change the
thing about which you’re complaining. The trouble is,
like most coping strategies, what worked really well at the
beginning works less effectively over time and eventually,
rather than allowing you to cope, your strategy becomes another
obstacle blocking you from feeling truly connected: to yourself,
others and to life in general. People don’t much like
hanging around people who complain as their main way of connecting.
They may tolerate it, but they don’t enjoy it. After
awhile they tend to avoid you.
Chronic comparing leads to chronic
complaining, which leads to chronic criticism.
Noticing when and why you complain, and
then being honest with yourself instead of blaming outside
circumstances will help you avoid all three deadly “C’s”.
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Leadership
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