Being right is a delicious feeling. Most
of us woke up today pretty sure we’re right about whatever
it is that we believe. But when building relationships of
any kind, denigrating someone else’s point of view and
labeling it “wrong” is counter-productive to long-term
results. Developing an internal mind-set of “wrong”
being akin to uninformed or misinformed is a more effective
strategy for reaching consensus and managing people. When
we think someone else is wrong, our ears stop working.
Take an extra second and reframe your response, shaping a
“constructive” meta-message to keep your ears
“open”—for yourself as well as your listener:
with: “While I see your perspective,
I disagree and here’s why”
Effective communication has to do with tone
as much as actual words. When we are involved in difficult
disagreements, tones rise as people become more fearful that
they’re not being heard or understood. One way to combat
that potential is to adopt the lens that says “Nobody
on the face of the earth knows everything about everything.
It's possible I don’t have all the necessary info and
maybe he/she doesn’t either.” That mind-set will
keep your tone of voice level, reasonable and open to actually
“hearing” the other person.
of the Month
- An internal experience of feeling "less than".
The feeling of disappointment is closely linked to a desire
to be perfect, which is primarily dependent upon a need
for other people’s approval. This is not the same kind
of desire for perfection that, say, Lance Armstrong feels;
he desires perfection for its own sake, not so that others
will think well of him. This kind of desire—without
the need for someone else’s approval—is called
Disappointment is created when you have set your sights on
certain pre-conceived outcomes and you are comparing those
fantasies with the reality you now face. In order to feel
disappointed, you must have had specific expectations.
That’s the basic problem – setting yourself
up by expecting a particular outcome for a given
Well then, you may ask how can you set goals, move forward
or build for future security? Would it not be irresponsible
to forgo planning for the future?
Good questions. Here’s an answer: Go ahead and plan.
Then accept what occurs as perfect. Notice your response to
the perceived “less than” situation, learn from
it, adjust and then move on. In this way you will not need
to experience the same disappointment again in order
to learn to release attaching expectations to outcomes.
There is a saying: “Expect the best. Accept the rest.”
Live by that alone and you’ll be a lot happier.