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Leadership Talk
December 2006
This is an oldie, but one I learned from
my father and well worth repeating: “Right is a directional
turn or a moral judgment. It is not a form of agreement.”
Or at least, that’s what was drilled into my brain.
Interestingly, I do notice the difference when listening
to others: I hear their confidence levels display
themselves when they communicate. “Right” evokes
a casualness you may not intend.
Take an extra second and reframe the same statement, shaping
a “constructive” meta-message for yourself as
much as your listener:
- Replace
with: “Correct” or “Yes”
It’s simple, elegant and sends the
listener a subtle message of confidence. Try it. This week,
answer questions with the word “Correct” or “Yes”
– Notice how it feels. It’s more powerful than
“right,” and it feels that way. There
is a certitude communicated. If you lead others, that is a
good thing in communication.
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Word
of the Month
“INTIMACY”
- Contrary to popular opinion, intimacy has very little
to do with physical proximity. It has even less to do with
sex. Engaging in a sexual act with another person is often
a strategy to avoid true intimacy.
Intimacy has everything to do with emotional connection.
It is a product of honest communication. Intimacy means “In-to-me-see.”
It’s that simple—and that complex.
When your partner or friend or child says, “I want
to talk” what they mean is “I want to feel connected.”
They want to feel valued, cherished and special. Intimacy
is all about feeling accepted and safe with
someone else. Some of the most intimate relationships you
will develop in your life will not include sex. Some of the
best will. Marrying someone you’re really good friends
with first is a good strategy for life-long intimacy. Nurturing
your birth-family relationships is another. Both require commitment
and hard work.
A common destructive pattern in intimate relationships is
arguing. It is a strategy generally formed very early in life
by watching parents who connected that way in order to manufacture
feelings of intimacy. It’s the same strategy that a
child utilizes when he or she acts out and gets punished.
It’s a form of negative attention, but it is
attention and a child (or spouse or friend) will take negative
attention if positive attention is not offered.
As an adult this pattern often plays out in relationships:
Arguing is often the modus operaendi of the child
who learned that the only way to feel close to someone is
to fight with them.
Another paradox.
Life is full of them.
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Leadership
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