The Constellation Learning Newsletter
April 2006

I have a bone to pick with people who complain chronically – not on occasion, but on any occasion. That would make me a complainer at the moment. And that’s the hardest part: admitting that I do it, too. Complaining is a very common human strategy to:

a) connect with other people;
b) clarify our individual boundaries or standards;
c) abdicate accountability for the implementation of same.

It first became clear to me years ago: that people will often choose to complain as a way to connect with other human beings. Rather than compliment or appreciate or express gratitude for, we will find something bad and brag about it. Isn’t that outrageous? What a way to make contact: calling forth what we don’t like as a way to find mutual ground. Everyone’s got something to gripe about so it’s easier.

We hesitate to initiate interaction with people we don’t know well – whether at the water cooler or on the bar stool or in the elevator or where ever – that might be misconstrued or viewed with suspicion, a sad testimony indeed on the state of fair play in communication these days. So we often resort to complaining, about the weather, our boss, our spouse, our kids, our job or our health. Admit it: you know exactly what I mean. The pattern is so well ingrained, so pervasive, that we’ve become all but immune to its enervating power.

Let me clarify, though, the nature of complaining as distinct from the act of it. Being an extrovert I often need to process out loud and bounce my thoughts and feelings off another person before I know what I really think. I have friends, real support friends, to whom I can say “Will you listen to me bitch for 5 minutes? I don’t want advice or help. I just want to get it off my chest.” They always say yes, and I dump, and then I feel better. This is the essence of the therapeutic process.

But there is a point, a dangerously seductive point, beyond which our complaining is not about connecting with others or clarifying our own position, it’s about relinquishing responsibility for a better life. That “seductive” point, the siren song of safety, differs for each person, but each of us knows when we’ve crossed it. At least, I know when my complaining is preventing me from taking action. This safety point protects us from seeing our own part in the creation of whatever it is we’re complaining about, either through active participation or passive acceptance. Complaining – even if expressed only internally – lures one into the land of self-pity and paralysis through victimization. I suspect complaining is an intrinsic part of the human condition, at least for those of us still crawling toward freedom from it, and there’s really only one way out of it: to take action.

There’s this myth that most humans cling to concerning their present circumstances, whatever they may be; myths of what “could’ve, would’ve or should’ve been” if only…These myths keep us pinned to the past, like mittens pinned to our coat sleeves. Part of growing up requires the relinquishing of many of those myths. The next time you find yourself complaining about anything ask yourself if:

a) am I trying to connect with someone?; or
b) is my complaining an attempt to clarify and illuminate a healthy boundary left unacknowledged for too long?; or
c) am I avoiding doing what I know must be done about that?

The people I admire most spend very little time complaining about situations that disturb their outer circumstances or inner peace. They acknowledge, assess, and adjust to the disturbance by taking appropriate action. In so doing there is little time to spend complaining, and even less about which to actually complain.

I know of not one single complainer who inspired me who wasn’t also proactive in addressing that which they complained about. All great leaders know this: put your money where your mouth is; know when enough is enough and then move towards solution.

Pessimism is really only perspective turned downward and reminds me of an old saying from somewhere: “Two men looked out from prison bars. The one saw mud, the other stars.”

Personally, I prefer the stars. How about you?

Application Tips:

•  Substitute Complementing for Complaining
  Take five seconds out of your busy day to acknowledge at least one person a day in the actual form of an appreciation: “I really appreciate all you do around here, Bob. Thanks.” “Nice report. I appreciate your thoroughness.” People love being complimented. But make sure it’s genuine and you really mean it. People can smell false praise a mile away. Watch what happens around you – and inside you. Not only will you have less time to complain, you’ll have less desire to do so.
  
  

• Smile and Walk Away
  Easier than it sounds, complementing another and moving on translates as confidence to the listener. Don’t go on and on. Just say what you mean and move on. Make it a habit and people will seek you out to lift themselves up. It’s the best form of friendship and the most effective form of leadership. Lead by example and people will want to follow you.

* See this month’s Recommended Reading

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