The Constellation Learning Newsletter
June 2007

I’ve been a traveling nut the past month. Though I’m conducting 4 programs in as many weeks for the month of June, only one requires boarding an airplane, thankfully. And even though I felt a bit like a ring-master at a circus, last week while delivering a keynote speech in Chicago, I spent a few days with my sister who gave me a lesson in conducting people (and animals) successfully.

When traveling or feeling stressed and overworked, try the serenity syrup. Counteracts control issues quite well.

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~ Monthly Message ~

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm,
but peace amid the storm.”

-- Anon.

My sister is on a search for serenity, and judging from observable results, something’s working.

Jennifer is the youngest of the six siblings, an athlete, mother, and all round good will ambassador wherever she goes. Everyone loves Jen; she’s just a really nice, good person. I’ve never seen her do or say anything that’s mean-spirited. I admire that about her.

That’s not to say, however, that Jenny doesn’t “vent” when in overload, which can be a lot of the time, and she thrives, as I do, on a certain amount of control. Don’t we all?

Let me list her current stressors:

• her husband has been traveling for work for almost two weeks;
• she’s a Rotarian and professional golfer and has organized a golf outing as a District fund raiser which was May 24th;
• her daughter’s ninth birthday was the 25th with nine little girls for the night (a slumber party with little slumber but ample shrieking).
• And to cap it all off, her dog came into heat so there were abundant “suitors” appearing in the back yard causing her otherwise well-behaved and lady-like dog to morph into a little street hussy in front of our eyes.

Did I mention her home is on the market? Or that the basement of the commercial property they own - which is also for sale - flooded the day after the party?

Then, in the midst of all of it, my sister gets a call from a friend who was to have helped her with the golf outing. Kirsten’s father is near death, she and her family are leaving town, and she must not only renege on helping out, she also needs a favour: Would Jenny mind taking her seven month old Golden Retriever while they’re gone? Maybe four or five days—a week at the most.

Oh, did I mention his gender? Male. Son of Faith, my sister’s dog, from her first litter…Uh, oh…

Jenny and I are very much alike in many respects. Here, however, is perhaps as clear a distinction of one major difference: I would have replied, politely but firmly, that it was out of the question and one too many things. But Jenny’s nicer than me and for her there was no hesitation. She graciously agreed and so another stressor took its place on the pecking pole.

I know my sister very well. I was there with her for five days, for the birthday party and golf outing, I saw her behind the scenes and she was—gasp—calm, cool and collected throughout. I’ve seen her control buttons blinking very out of control before. Venting follows. Not this time.

She seemed to flow with the three-ring circus in remarkably good form. Even though not everything went as she had planned, the outcome of it all was perfect.

She swears it’s the new super “ageless-extra” juice she’s begun drinking twice a day. Maybe. Personally, after watching her juggle nine little girls (throwing water-balloons, jumping on the trampoline, running in and out of the house leaving the door open, allowing the now highly potent and completely wanton Faith to escape several times, the rescue requiring nine little screeching girls to sound the alarm - many times), I’ve come to the conclusion that after many years of seeking, Jen has discovered the secret of serenity: surrender. It’s control’s mortal enemy.

Hmmm…surrender, huh? Relinquishing control?

Whew, the very words can cause one to suffer withdrawal symptoms. But I’m not talking about giving up, rather I refer to giving in to the situation the way it is, not the way you planned it, or the way it should have been. We can twist ourselves into knots trying too hard to make things happen instead of allowing them to unfold.

Calmness is the result of, not the reason for, serenity. And it’s not to be confused with complacency.

Feeling stressed? Relinquish control from the inside out and you will find your self making more effective, less destructive decisions. Exerting control on the outside and choosing to relax into the way it is instead of fighting it, works best when we know what’s really important to us on the inside.

As the last little girl departed the following morning, my sister made a decision: she would breed Faith again, one more litter before releasing her eager pooch from future suitors, and off she drove to Buddy’s house, Faith’s current paramour, for an afternoon of purposeful frolicking.

There’s a balance switch on the control scale - a time and place for effective dispensing for best results. Jenny’s seems to have found it.

Or maybe it’s the “ageless super juice.” I think I’ll get some, just in case.

Application Tips:

• “Identify outcomes, not forms”
  The key to successful surrender is to focus on the desired outcome, not the form that outcome might take. In other words, instead of focusing on how a project will be completed, direct your attention to why that outcome is important and hold that as your vision.
  
  Rarely does something unfold exactly as we envisioned it. Generally, expectations will dash your sense of satisfaction.
  
  Micromanaging (which is all about control) is often the result of attaching too much importance on the form instead of the outcome. And it will exhaust your physical energy level as well as reduce your ability to deal with unforeseen snags in your beautiful plan.
  
  Plan on the potholes; it’s called surrendering.
  
• “Delegate, don’t dump”
  When we’ve planned something down to the last detail (a party, project, etc) and then hit a snag, we can often look for a place to “dump” the “out of control” feelings of irritation and frustration which surface as a result.
  
  A calm request for assistance versus a knee-jerk response to the annoying obstacle will produce a more effective, thoughtful response.
  
  This can only happen if you take a very deep breath and then remember the “why” behind the “what” you want done.
  
  Remembering your own “why’s” will eventually make you wise.

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