The Constellation Learning Newsletter
Summer 2007

Ever seen someone lose their temper in a public place? Uncomfortable, isn’t it, even with people you don’t know. That man arguing with the hapless salesperson, the woman in line at the grocery store expressing her annoyance at being delayed by those in front of her, the driver yelling at a pedestrian crossing the street too slowly.

Then there are those we do know; the ones with whom we work and live. Unfortunately, there are far too many examples of lack of respect and common courtesy. Sometimes, though, all it takes is one courageous person to turn things around.

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~ Monthly Message ~

“The reality for leaders of the past and leaders of the future is that
in the past very bright people would put up with disrespectful behaviour, but in the future they will leave [their jobs]. ”

-- Marshall Goldsmith

Mid-June I was on site at a client’s in Memphis, Tennessee, completing some training. I noticed a book on her desk. The title caught my attention; What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, by Marshall Goldsmith. (Read my review below)

While she took a call, I picked the book up and flipped through the first few pages, agreeing with the author’s premise: People, even the most successful, develop blind spots, and what they don’t know about themselves often determines their ability to move up in their organizations - patterns of the past can become prisons in the future.

“That’s [my boss’s] newest bright idea,” she said after completing her call. “He bought 20 copies and handed ‘em out to everyone.”

“Have you read it?” I asked. “Not yet,” she responded. “I’ll add it to my list of things to do. Looks half-decent, though.”

A week later found me on-site in St. Catharine’s, this time delivering a facilitation class. This particular program focuses on reducing the blind spots and defense mechanisms human beings employ for protection. Most of them don’t work. Things like:

• insisting upon being right,
• deflecting,
• blaming others for poor performance,
• talking down to people,
• talking too much, or not enough.

The list is endless, but perhaps the worst of all in terms of inter-personal office place problems is disproportional anger (usually in the form of sarcasm, rudeness, and condescending irritation).

The second day of the class, at the request of his manager, one participant had to remove himself to deal with a difficult colleague. Though this colleague was from another branch and had never met either the participant or his manager, they still “played for the same team.”

When my participant returned to the class an hour later, the look on his face and tone of voice said it all: This ‘colleague’, as far as he was concerned, could play for another team any time. His remark: “He was rude. Simply rude. It wasn’t anything we couldn’t have handled in a much more pleasant way. The guy just gets off on being an ass.”

Later, when talking to the manager, she reiterated the same observations. “A most unpleasant fellow. I called his boss to complain. His manager said he’s like that all the time.”

Here’s my question: Why? Why has he been allowed, like some errant dog relieving himself on the carpet, to continue to be “like that all the time?” It is obviously disruptive and disrespectful.

Here’s my answer: Because no one has grabbed him by the scruff of his neck (metaphorically speaking), taken him outside and shown him where to relieve himself.

I imagine that those who work with this poor fellow probably roll their eyes and dismiss him, daily. It’s easier to ignore the problem than confront it – in the short-term. Long-term, (back to the metaphor) you’ll be on your knees cleaning that carpet almost every single day.

It’s amazing to me what people will put up with to avoid the pain of confronting ineffective, energy-sucking behaviours, all of which are held in place by ineffective, energy-sucking attitudes.

In my work I am blessed to be able to give forth-right feedback (and get paid to do so!) to some really great people with one or two things they could work on. We drill right down to it and handle the behaviours that are getting in their way of moving up on the job and moving on in life. Most people are well aware of what they’re doing—they just don’t know how to change. Sometimes they need a little help—like direct feedback—and one person who cares enough to give it kindly.

Long-term sustained change takes awareness, practice, motivation. But mostly, it takes a courageous person willing to see through the defenses and consistently hold another accountable to standards of behaviour accepted and adhered to (for the most part) by others with whom we work.

Wonder what your workplace (or home) would be like if that courageous person was you?

Application Tips:

• “ Confront the behaviour, not your opinion/interpretation of it”
  
  The key to effective confrontation is a simple two-step process:
  
  1) Name the behaviour (data only) using either of the following phrases: “I saw you (name disrespectful behaviour)…” or I heard you say (name exactly what they said)…”
  2) Now tell them your interpretation and ask for clarification / confirmation
  
  Here’s an example I hear regularly. Almost every team member has someone who communicates their disagreement or frustration by rolling their eyes. This behaviour, passive-aggressive as it is, is often displayed in team meetings. Everyone sees it, knows what it means, and lets it go because “she’s just like that” or “he always does that”. But nobody confronts it…because it “wouldn’t be polite,” or they don’t want to “make it worse,” or they’re afraid of the potential fallout to confronting the disruptive behaviour.

  Here’s how it could play out: Let’s call him John. John has a sarcastic tone and often rolls his eyes to indicate the idiocy of someone’s remark. You, as team leader, see this displayed (again!) in response to something you’ve said during a weekly team meeting. You have been disrespected, in public, again.
  
  “John, I saw you roll your eyes. Do you have something you want to say?” He will probably looked shocked that you called him out and say “No.”
  
  That’s when you have a choice: to pursue it in the moment, (which depends on time, agenda, and group energy) or accept his “no” and perhaps ask him to stay after the meeting to clear it up, in which case, you could say something like this: “John, when you roll your eyes, I think you either disagree and think what’s been said is stupid. As a result I feel disrespected. When you do it in front of others, it sends a message of non-support. Rolling your eyes instead of speaking up will no longer be tolerated. So expect me to continue to speak up when I see it demonstrated. And I’d like you to speak up when you do disagree. No one agrees with everything all the time. So speak up, without the eye rolling. That’s healthy, and I want to promote healthy and safe disagreement on our team.”

  
  
• “Schedule regular check-ins”
  
  Part of the success of any change endeavor is regular and specific follow-ups.
  
  After opening the door to a productive discussion (as per above) you may discover that John feels dismissed by his colleagues and resorts to rolling his eyes in response. You might ask him to give a specific example, helping him distinguish between actual data and his interpretations of it. You may ask him to alert you to times when he feels dismissed by you. You could ask him to check-in with you every other week: “You asked me to check-in with you—how am I doing with the eye rolling? I’ve really tried to eliminate it…Have you seen me do it unawares?” This kind of reinforcement impresses upon John that this behaviour is changeable, and that you’re noticing his efforts.

  All of us want attention, and just like children, in the absence of it, we’ll take negative attention over none at all. Giving him positive reinforcement feels better than the negative attention he used to get.

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