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The Constellation Learning Newsletter
September 2005
“What
we call experience is often a dreadful list of ghastly mistakes.”
J. Chalmers Da Costa,
Surgeon (1863-1933)
Some people spend a lot of time unconsciously apologizing
for perceived past mistakes. Though they may not realize it,
the circumstances about which they whine are examples of self-inflicted
wounds. Over and over again they continue to beat themselves
with a metaphorical whip of penance, denying themselves a
sense of wellness, wholeness and abundance.
Why so much unconscious self-retribution? What did we do
that was so terrible?
Here’s what: we lived. We survived. We rose above our
raising. And in that survival, in our living, we exercised
poor judgment on the way to learning better judgment. We made
mistakes. We hurt others – and ourselves. Though we
may feel regret and sorry for those times, we often prefer
to point the finger of blame at another person or the circumstances
surrounding the event, or the reasons why it occurred in order
to block the full feelings of hurt that would flood our being
if we took emotional responsibility for those events.
However, if we view ourselves objectively we would see that
we are no less loveable after our participation in
a ‘less than’ performance than we were before
it. We may not be likeable, but we are all of us
loveable. Do you love your child any less when he
misbehaves? Yet that is the message too many of us check into
adulthood carrying in our suitcase: I am only as loveable
or worthy as I am popular or productive.
Where did this paradigm originate? Infants do not self-denigrate.
On the contrary, a healthy three-year old self-aggrandizes.
Everything is about them. I this, me
that and mine the other. No, this perspective is
a gift from the family members, teachers and friends who helped
to shape us. Wanting to help us become the best we could be
they unwittingly imparted – and we dutifully absorbed
– a message that only the best are valued in our world.
But what does that mean – to be the best? The best
at what? Winning? Then what does it mean to win? Does it mean
making lots of money, always being right, bull-dozing others?
Or could it mean holding your tongue, refraining from claiming
credit and allowing someone else to shine, or trusting that
even in perceived mistakes lie the seeds of potential perfection?
These are important questions.
And they are generally answered more clearly in the absence
of retroactive apologies.
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